Aug 23 2010

George, how was those tomatoes? . George is my brother in-law and is a super duper dude.  He's just not a farmer, but he tries.  He did have a tractor at one time, that was cool but he sold it.  Not cool.  His wife, my sister, is a Presbyterian minister and one super duper dudess. I'm the fool of the family.  I have just returned to work after a long time off; during that time my sister, Pastranne visited me at my home.  Picked her up at the airport and from the time I picked her up until the time I dropped her off again at the same airport we talked non-stop.  Literally.  Stopping only for sleep or chewing food.  Wow, my jaws ached!  I have never ever communicated with another human like I did with her.  It seemed like 50 some years went zooming by without notice.  I time traveled back to my childhood, teenage years and young adulthood. For the first time ever, I really connected with a sibling.  My soul was laid bare and upon examination I realized that God was lacking.  There was no grace in my heart.  No wonder I found it hard to make friends and often influenced people in a negative way.  People would say "Cheer up Ed!"   I wasn't feeling anger or anything.  That should have been my clue that something was wrong with me.  I wasn't feeling anything.  I wasn't feeling a true love for my family or my wife; I was just going through the motions.  I wanted to control things as I blamed others for what was wrong in my life. I have a beautiful wife.  Stunningly beautiful.  She is me in female form - the same viewpoint, the same desires.  I nearly lost her.  I thank God for waking me up and taking me by the hand and showing me that He is there, that he loves me and wants me.  I finally surrendered to His will.  I didn't get a letter from heaven.  I didn't get a dream, or an Angel with trumpets.  An incident that I am not willing to tell  yet changed me.  I got rejection.  First thoughts when I had regained my senses were "Damn it, not even God wants a shit like me".


Then I began to think.  My sister, Pastranne showed me the light.  Showed me the truth of the lie I was leading.  I now know that God wasn't finished with me.  He has yet more tasks for me to do while I am on this earth.  I don't know what those are.  It may be earth shattering, or it may be nothing more than being kind to another human being.  All I know is that once I let Him back in, my face has been one big smile - it some times hurts, but that smile is there to stay.  I don't go to  church, but I'm in the market.  I was born and raised Catholic and I stopped going to church when I was a young man.  I still believe in the Catholic church and her teachings, but I won't go back.  I will find another church to worship at.  I'm going to start my worship by my treatment of others.  God will speak for me, my mouth is tired and needs to be silent to allow Him to speak.
My heart needs to be heard.  I have a friend who is going through a difficult period.  He is a lovely young man and he needs some support.  I can see myself in him as I used to be.  Hurt, lonely and frightened.  So while he is undergoing treatment for his heart, I will be there by his side and will let God work his miracle on my dear friend. After all, I need a movie buddy!!

Its time for bed. Good night. God bless.

Ed